She woke up with tears in her eyes, grasping at the blankets of the small bed they shared together. A dream haunted her as she slipped into consciousness -- she had been a witch and he had been a man doomed to live in ignorance inside of an animal's body, while she was doomed to try to save him until they both wasted away...or something like that. The exact details of the dream dribbled away from her as she rubbed her wet eyes and stretched, wiping her face on the covers discreetly. She didn't want him asking her why she was crying, didn't want to recall the dream in greater detail. It had left her quickly, but it had also left her with a heavy sense of loss, the kind that can survive in the waking world.

"Good morning, love," she muttered into the nape of his neck.

"Good morning, baby," he smiled sleepily, turning over to give her a kiss. He lapsed briefly back into sleep, arm draped over her shoulder. He was warm and musky and safe.

Strange have been my dreams of late

Recently I've taken to visiting that strange in-between place that lies in your dreams, but is more tangible than your body. You know you're there when you feel a heavy knowledge in your stomach that weighs as much as the first time you saw the sun set for real over a the jagged edge of a dusky city, but your tongue tastes like the smell of grass after intimate moments and lingering regret of emotions lost in time. I'm the wandering queen of this world, at the whim of the elements but ultimately powerful as long as I remember that when I close my eyes, I truly understand eternity.

I'm the space in between the two.

I had a moment:

I saw 32 likes on my facebook status -- small comparatively, but large for me. I had a brief internal conversation on the nature of my popularity, patting myself on the back for being so clever and likeable. Green gently reminded me of other small people, people who pursue fame, which is inevitably weak in comparison to the other fruits of existence. Ash, ever condescending, runs away with the sentiment, laughing at the pathetic Others who take pleasure in small victories -- luckily we know the difference, know what's worth boosting one's ego for.

Green reminds Ash of the nature of the"popularity" -- less than four dozen likes on a facebook post. Perhaps we are less high-minded than we thought, susceptible to the same pitfalls and ego-centrism.

Normally Green is the nice one.

cherries, what?

The nape of your neck smells like you

And sleep, and kisses, and draping arms

It's warm, and keeps my cold nose safe

I can hide my face and disappear...

It's my favorite place; I go there often

You're sleeping now, but I don't feel alone.

Nick tastes like lemon ice cream

I met you in a day turned night
I felt displaced, I brimmed with spite
You burned the oil of my pain
You turned me, made me more humane

So I'll write your name in the rocks
I'll feel the sunset in your locks
And sometimes when I fall asleep
I'll call you when my horror seeps.

I thought my time had come and sighed
Because my jaded heart had died
I'd heard the stories of I Am Whore
But you learned me beyond my thoughts before;

Please hold me while I whim away
I'm floating and it's hard to stay
but I wrote your name in the rocks
I've written now; now I can't stop.

not so sticky

I've been many shades of occupied:
I've had a man and made him cry
I've loved a boy and helped him grow
I've kissed a woman that I used to know.

I've been many times two together:
I've helped a small heart through bad weather
I've held inside an unwanted glow
I've trembled the heart of a once-thought foe.

But now, I stand here on my own:
I don't know how to be alone.
My walls echo from my empty soul
I can't fill with all the emotions I stole.

And so, ashamed, I stay inside
Trying to forget, trying to hide
Hoping aloneness bears epiphany;
But I forgot I was stuck here with me.

August 18th, 2012

Today it happened. I decided to end something that would've irrecoverably altered my future. Since then, I keep fading in and out of acceptance -- it's difficult to really believe that I was in surgery this morning. My mind will flash back to it, my mind will try to distract me from it.

How do I feel about it? Well, I feel relieved, shocked, slightly saddened, resolved. Although my decision was made in a desire to keep the status quot,  my life will be changing after this. No longer will I wander through the halls of existence waiting for good things to happen, lethargically accepting my life as it comes to me and apathetically whispering good things in the name of a cause. I have to make this sacrifice meaningful. I have to make something of myself that would have been impossible if I had been burdened with a child. I have to make myself into a person that can be at peace with this decision.

The actual experience was by far the worst part. I lay on an operating table, my closest friend sitting a few feet away; the doctor puts on his gloves and slides in the spectrum; from that moment on, excruciating pain. Torture that left me shaking uncontrollably. I couldn't speak -- I reached out my hand to my soul mate and she grabbed it, crying -- staring at the ceiling I willed myself to relax as I felt large needles tearing through my cervix, a suctioning device forcing it's way into my womb. However, throughout it all, the doctor's calm voice anchored me to the ground. "Now, I'm sure you're sad to hear this, but we're all through," he said, gently teasing as he removes the spectrum and wipes me off. A strange paradox: his tender attitude and warm hands, my paralyzing agony. I blanched with relief, trembling as I pulled on padded underwear, stumbled to the recovery room.

It was only then that I cried. She held me as hot tears trickled down my face. For whom was I crying? Myself, the unborn, the pain? Perhaps a combination of the three.

I know I made the right choice because I am penniless, irresponsible, a drunk, a smoker, a college student, a waitress, an idiot who didn't wear a condom in a foursome with strangers. I know that I know beautiful people because a giving soul paid for the procedure, a well-wisher I hold close to my heart risked domestic unrest to be a shoulder to lean on, a doctor old enough to be my grandfather cared about the reproductive freedom of women, and the best friend I've ever had held my hand.

This sacrifice was not made in vain. I understand the world now better than I had before. I've seen the ugly face of consequences and embraced the scariest thing I've ever known in my entire life. This will not be an event that passes by unnoticed. I will remember the pain, the questions, the trauma, the protesters, the truth of my life: I am strong and I will be the master of my body.